Worthlessness

Worthlessness

Is what you made me feel
I loved you
And even though you did what you did
 I still love you

I want to hate you
I want to pretend that you don't exist
But my heart has no prejudice
All it can feel is love

I couldn't find the words to say when I discovered your betrayal

I wanted to say
Fuck you!
I wanted to walk away from you
In a last attempt to make you see
That you'd regret loosing me

I wanted to hate you so much
That thought of you would make me sick
That the mention of your name would make the inside of stomach churn
so that every butterfly you ever made me feel would die

But all I could feel
is sadness
Because I love you

I wanted you to feel pain
the same pain you made my heart feel
 when I discovered your infidelity

But all I could do is feel worthlessness

So I wrote it all down
So that you can see
All the pain that you have caused me

I loved you
I still love you

But you made me feel worthless
But I discovered through this pain
The worthless one here
Is you

And I don't wish karma upon your door
But I know that you will never meet a woman that will love you
That will sacrifice her life for you
The way I have
and that
is a promise

Because I love you more than any words could express
More than any other human could express to another soul mate
I love you unconditionally
Yes it is possible because even now
Through it all
I continue to feel nothing but love for you

And what hurts the most is
Your insensitivity
As if an apology is suppose erase
all that you did to me
the words that you said to her
The very same words that made butterflies in my stomach fly around
The words that made me feel alive
Loved
Cared for
Important
The same words you said to me
That made me love you

So I apologize
not to you
But to myself for
Ignoring all the signs in front of me
For looking past the first time you broke my heart.
And most importantly for putting you above myself

I want to forgive you
So that my heart can feel peace
But all I can feel at this point
Is Worthlessness